Today is Festivus, and that means it is time for the annual Airing of Grievances! I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU ARE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT!!
First up: RED LIGHT RUNNERS!
It has come to the point that I no longer immediately pull into intersections as soon as the light turns green, because so many people are gunning it through red lights. I don’t know if drivers got used to it during Covid when police enforcement of traffic violations was decreased and there were fewer other cars on the road, but it seems to be getting worse every year. I’ve even had some red light runners flip me off for blasting my horn as I have to hit the brakes to avoid getting t-boned by them–like it’s my fault they were supposed to stop. I continue to say that if the Appleton Police Department wanted to pay for an entire fleet of new squad cars, or add 10 more patrol officers, they just need to sit at the intersection of East College and Radio Road here in front of WHBY and they could write a nearly endless series of citations for people running the red lights all day.
Next: LAZY SHOPPERS!!
Ever wonder why grocery stores and department stores have so few employees working registers nowadays? It’s because so many of their workers are wandering around the store picking up on-line orders for people sitting in their cars out in the parking lot. Where I shop for groceries, there’s always two or three employees checking off items on a smart phone while pushing around rolling shelving units with bins full of food that someone was too lazy to pick up themselves–when the employees could be checking me out or restocking shelves in a timely fashion. What could possibly be so important that you don’t have a half-hour to grab your own bags of Cheetos, boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and cases of Diet Coke? I always hope that the store employees pick all of the items at or past their use by dates–because I assume the purchaser would be too lazy to come back into the store to complain and demand a refund. And to add insult to injury, these slackers get to park in spaces right next to the store, and most just pop open the back hatch or trunk and don’t even help the worker load the groceries.
Now onto: THE FAKE HANDICAPPED!!
Having traveled a bit more than usual this year, I noticed that there are a whole lot of people using wheelchairs to get around airport terminals and to get onto the plane before everyone else. Amazingly, the majority of those folks on my flights did not require wheelchair assistance when they got to their destinations, and breezed off the aircraft in front of everyone again. And the previously-mentioned grocery store workers picking orders for people that can’t be bothered to get their own food have to fight for aisle space with all of the shoppers that are driving around in the electric carts. While I admit that I am not a medical professional, it strikes me that the main “handicap” of many of these non-elderly folks is just being incredibly heavy. And being someone living with an elderly person with serious mobility issues, it frustrates me no end to go to a restaurant and to find all of the handicapped parking spaces full–but upon entry to the dining room spotting no one in a wheelchair, with crutches, or even with a cane. I’d love to ask just what handicap is preventing you from walking an additional ten feet from a “regular spot”?
And let’s not forget: ‘I DON’T TAKE CALLS’ PEOPLE!!
There are two entire generations of Americans who just plain refuse to call people or to take calls on their cellphones and office phones. You call them, get no answer, and leave a message. Then seconds later you get a text or an email saying “Hey, did you call?”–and what should have been a 30-second person-to-person conversation turns into a 50-message back-and-forth that often fails to rectify the situation–or worse, ends with the person you are trying to talk to never replying to the message or email you send asking if they understand what needs to be done. As with everything nowadays, counselors have invented a “condition” for this: “Telephobia” or “Phone Anxiety”–where such behavior is excused as an actual psychological condition.
Next up: TIPSTERS AND TRICKSTERS!!
This favorite phrase of social media influencers is meant to lead viewers to believe the person in the videos has learned something that no one else has ever discovered about nearly everything in everyday life. This language was invented by those who created clickbait ads on websites and social media platforms–leading users to believe that they were about to learn something. Invariably, the click-through site was loaded with popup ads, the articles were full of typos and inaccuracies, and all of the “tips and tricks” were common knowledge already, or something that would have popped up on any Google search. And the video versions of these are just the same. Plus, the use of the term “trick” is 100% wrong, unless you actually mean that you want to show us how to deceive someone else to get what we want. Want to know a great trick to use the next time you’re at the airport? Pretend to be disabled so you can use a wheelchair to get to the front of the line to board the plane! Follow me and subscribe for more life hacks!!
And finally: MULTIPLE PLATFORM SPORTS BROADCAST CONTRACTS!!
Packers fans living here in the Green Bay television market should thank their “higher being” every day that the NFL has a rule requiring all games of the “home team” be broadcast on an over-the-air television station, because if you wanted to watch every game the past few seasons you would have needed more cable packages and streaming subscriptions than you can shake a stick at. NFL football is now broadcast on CBS, ABC, ESPN, NBC, FOX, the NFL Network, Peacock, Nickelodeon, and Amazon Prime. Of course, that is a drop in the bucket compared to all the places someone would have to go to watch all of the Milwaukee Brewers telecasts, which would require FOX, FOX Sports 1 and FOX Sports 2, ESPN, TBS, TNT, the MLB Network, Apple TV, Peacock, FanDuel TV, and the Roku Channel. Want to watch Wisconsin Badgers football and basketball? Well, that will require FOX, Fox Sports 1 and Fox Sports 2, CBS, the Big Ten Network and Big Ten Plus, Peacock, Paramount Plus, and ESPN. And if the basketball Badgers make the NCAA Tournament, you will need to have access to TBS, TNT, and truTV. That would be a staggering 12-networks and platforms just to watch one team in one sport. Announcers used to say “Check your local listings for times and channels in your area.” But that is out the window because checking listings (if they were still printed anywhere) would take half an hour every game.
We have now come to the time in Festivus for the Feats of Strength. Remember Festivus is not over until you pin me!!
