When I was really young I had a toy called the Fisher Price See and Say. It was a plastic circle with illustrated pictures of common animals around the outer rim and a big red arrow in the middle. When you pointed the arrow at the picture of one of the animals and pulled a string from the side of the toy it immediately wrapped around your neck and killed you.
I’m kidding. That only happened a couple hundred times to kids in the 80’s and 90’s that were obviously not as smart as those of us born in the 70’s. Actually, when you pulled the string, the arrow would spin and a recorded voice would say something like “The cow says: MOOOO!” or “The pig says: OINK! OINK!” It wasn’t as flashy as the apps two year olds use on their own tablet computers today–but our generation still managed to invent the devices kids use today and the internet with that sort of educational tool.
One animal that was never featured on the See and Say, however, was a fish. That’s likely because fish really don’t make “a sound”. That is until this week, as we have now learned that fish actually go BZZZZZZZZ!
This revelation did not come as the result of researchers at a land-grant university using taxpayer-funds to study the communication techniques of fish. Nor did some angler working a backwater stream catch a buzzing fish that no one even knew existed. Instead, it turns out that bees are actually fish.
Again, this did not come from some “cutting edge research” funded by taxpayer dollars as some public university. Nor did large groups of entomologists and ichthyologists get together in some European capital city to say “Guys, I think we’ve had this all wrong!”. Instead, bees are now fish thanks to the California Court of Appeals and their astounding interpretation of an incredibly poorly written law. The appeals judges have found that for legal purposes, in California, an insect with wings that cannot survive in water is to be considered a fish.
You may ask, how did it ever come to the California Court of Appeals to decide such a stupid thing? Well the battle over the definition of “a fish” stems from the on-going land-based war between environmental groups and almond farmers. Almond trees require a lot of water to grow and produce nuts. California–as it has for almost its entire history–does not have a lot of water, and environmentalists think almond farms are “getting more than their fair share”. The latest front in this war is seeing the enviro groups suing to have the state ban the farmers from using pesticides on their trees that could harm four rare species of bees that live in the state.
To make their case, the Xerces group looked deep into a 1970 endangered marine animal law in California meant to limit the release of chemicals into waterways to prevent the death of fish. In that law, politicians (who are noted for not being scientists) decided to define “fish” to include mollusks, crustaceans, and “invertebrates” (likely to cover things like jellyfish and sea slugs). And that is the key word upon which Xerces decided to base their entire argument–as bees do not have backbones they are therefore “invertebrates”–and according to the law the way it is written, bees are therefore fish.
An initial circuit court judge rejected the argument pointing out that bees are ,in fact, fish no matter how stupid politicians are. But the Court of Appeals is giving the lawmakers the benefit of the doubt–and finding that because snails (which are not fish either, but are certainly aquatic creatures) have been granted protection under the law, bees can be considered the same. In case you are wondering, this ruling greatly increases the species of “fish” in California–as 80% of all animals on the planet are invertebrates. It also adds a very interesting new dish to seafood buffets and Friday night Lenten options for Catholics.
While the Court of Appeals did not ask for any research from scientists before rendering their decision, I’m sure that there are already professors at Cal-Berkley and Stanford writing grant requests for taxpayer dollars to conduct studies that will “prove” that bees actually are fish–especially if that means more grant money from environmental groups and not being targeted for firing from pro-bee student groups. There are likely Humanities professors already preparing articles for Vox and The Atlantic that argue that the division of species is just another social construct created by whites to protect human male dominance.
Somewhere, a children’s author has been inspired to write a story about a bee that thought it was a fish–was teased by other bees–and then learned that it could “bee” any animal it wants to “bee and “That is ok”–and the other bees will now be required to call it a fish. Companies are likely already preparing social media campaigns encouraging bees to “Bee their true selves”. And a patch of black and yellow stripes will be added to the Pride Progress flags flying over capital buildings this month.
Meanwhile, you will soon be able to find the newly-updated Fisher-Price See and Say (Now with California Fish-Bees!!!) in the gender-neutral toy aisle of major retailers–which they are required to have by another California law.
